Marry, Screw, Kill

If you’re anything like me, you’re assuredly going to hell. That said, hopefully you’ve heard of this mostly innocuous game where you and a few friends choose three random people, preferably NOT people you know in real life so as to avoid dickishness (yes, computer, I’ll have you know dickishness IS a word), and in as much detail as you can conjure on the subject, inform everyone as to which of those three you would marry, who you would screw, and who you would kill.

NOW, this might come off to you as one of those lingering “middle-school” games, where pre-and-young-teens use the blanket term of “game” to hide the fact that they’re gossiping and bitching about their friends. WELL I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW, SIR that this game is more commonly played by men than women, and is basically that Girl/Farm Animal thing you’ll all know from the online diaries of Mark Zuckerberg. Just without the farm animal (well, depending on who you choose, I guess).

So in the spirit of good will, good times, and a passable article to get the old man off my back (hi Raihan!) I’d like to stir some intelligent debate between our devoted and naturally enlightened readership. That in mind, here are some example choices of Marry, Screw, Kill that I’d be just riveted to hear all of your opinions on. Enjoy:

(Btw, Mary Screwkill is a great name for a gothic heroine.)

1) Katy Perry, Ke$ha, Lady Gaga

Example response: Marry Lady Gaga, Screw Katy Perry, Kill Ke$ha with a high powered rifle from a safe distance so as not to become infected with her glitter and join her demonic legions under the “dance commander” logo.

Reasoning: I see this as the absolutely only option; I can’t reasonably consider anyone disagreeing with this, and if you do, I hate you. I assure you I chose Lady Gaga as my spouse out of pure “beggars can’t be chosers” neediness. I find her to be, all things considered, the least objectionable of the three. Katy Perry has become increasingly annoying, what with nipples that fire frosting and generally making songs with the amazing ability to be catchy and annoying as fuuuuuck all at once, although that’s nothing new. But one would assume that, at least during a one-night-stand, she’d stop singing and shut up long enough to be pretty hot for a few hours. Lastly, I should hope you know my reasons for putting Kedollarsignha in the “kill” position well by now.

2) The Big Three: Winston Churchill, Joseph Stalin, Franklin Delano Roosevelt

Example Response: Marry FDR, Screw Churchill, Kill Stalin

Reasoning: Call me old fashioned, but I love me the good boy. I think FDR would treat you right, and be charismatic as fuck while doing it. He’s charming, reasonable, intelligent, dedicated, loyal, hard-working, and actually, the best looking one of the group. Plus he could give me rides on his wheelchair while he’s off saving the world. That’s awesome. I have nothing personally against Stalin, it’s just that… you’ve gotta screw Churchill. Look at him. Look him in the eyes. You’ve got to.

3) Ringo Starr, John Lennon, Paul McCartney

Example Response: Marry Paul, Screw Lennon, Kill Ringo.

Reasoning: For all you Ringo lovers (Hi Robin!), take it easy… I’d have a hell of a hard time killing Ringo. Taking him out behind the barn, lifting the gun, having to deal with those, big, adorable, pleading eyes… it’d be like shooting your favourite puppy. But gorram it, he should have written some better songs then! I’m not gonna shoot Paul, he’d make SUCH a good husband! Especially if he’d just be singing love songs to me all day. And Lennon is unbelievably dreamy. Like, yum. Are you kidding? Have you seen Nowhere Boy? You wouldn’t want to marry him for risk of suffering through his “weird” phases and having your name become synonymous with schisms, but you just HAVE to tap that at least once. So, sorry Ringo, I promise to throw your body into an octopuses’ garden or something, just as soon as I’m done getting freaky with Lennon.

4) Charlotte Bronte, Emily Bronte, Anne Bronte

Example Response: Marry Emily, Screw Charlotte, Kill Anne.

Reasoning: If I were a more reasonable man, I’d switch Emily and Charlotte, but DAMN, Emily’s the coolest and hottest of the group, and I’d rather wake up to Catherine Earnshaw than Jane Eyre any day. I’ve always loved Emily’s poetry, and have been finding Wuthering Heights very agreeable, even brilliant at times. Charlotte’s capable of being very witty, but she’s the stiff one as I hear it. As for Anne… who cares about her anyway?

5) Sarah Palin, Christine O’Donnell, a Polar Bear… like, I a literal Polar Bear.

Example Response: Marry The Bear, Screw O’Donnell, Kill Palin.

Reasoning: This is a prime example of the difficulties one will often face when engaged in such a thought-provoking game. My immediate reaction was, of course, to kill all three. Not for any great hate for any of them; simply because that seemed at the time to be the most appropriate response to increase my happiness. However, the rules of the game are clear and strictly enforced. There is no deviation: you must screw one of those three. I chose to screw O’Donnell because frankly I’ve never found Palin to be very aesthetically pleasing… like Cher, just… doesn’t do anything for me. At least with O’Donnell, there’s kind of a taboo there, I mean, what does SHE consider “screw”? To her it could be anything from a polite tap on the shoulder to a dark ritualistic covenant with the Dark Master himself (Hi Satan!). Killing Palin, from there, seemed like the obvious choice, because wouldn’t it be cool as shit to be married to a gorram POLAR BEAR?

You see? The possibilities are endless! Go ahead, engage in this wonderful pastime in the comments and see if maybe you’ve found the most shit-stirring trio for the blog! My recommendation? The two founders of this blog and a mouldy old Banana and Jelly sandwich. I think we all know what to do there…


10 thoughts on “Marry, Screw, Kill

  1. Ooh my gosh. I got one. Ready? (This is so predictable)

    Jerry Seinfeld, Cosmo Kramer, George Costanza.

    This is actually a tough one for me. I know the answer I WANT to say (kill Jerry.) But then I think that means I have to “you know what” George…
    But…you know…I think it’s the way it’s gotta be, because he’s so pathetic, I just wouldn’t have the heart to kill him.
    Marry Kramer, you know what George, and kill Jerry.

    • This is a good one! But I must respectfully disagree with your choices. Such a trio falls into the category of “slim pickens” for sure, because they’re all kind of assholes. That said: Marry Jerry, Screw Kramer, Kill George. Jerry WOULD get really annoying really quickly, but at least he’s not crazy and/ore a complete loser. Kramer could be fun for a night, and it would just be doing George a favour to put him out of his misery. That’s mine, but this is a good one

      • Hahahah. Ya, after I posted, I started to REALLY think about it in the long term….and…probably Jerry would be the most reasonable one to marry. But, since this is just a “game” I stick to my original answers.

  2. Pfft- can’t believe you forgot this one:

    Rachel Green, Monica Gheller, Phoebe Buffay.

    Oh God, it’s just too hard. Hard…but obvious. You have to screw Phoebe- just to KNOW. Monica is the only marriageable one- she’d stay in the kitchen all day. And Rachel is easy to kill. All you have to do is lure her into a Bloomingdale’s and pretend that they’re having a sale so outrageous that she’ll have a heart attack.

    • Really? Monica is Sooooooooooooo annoying, though. I think you’ve got this one all wrong, Celine. The obvious answer is marry Phoebe, kill Monica…and you know what that leaves you with…

      • This is a cool one, cause all three can fit easily into all three categories. Personally? Marry Monica, Screw Rachel, Kill Phoebe. She’s fun and quirky and aloof…but kill her all the same. Rachel would get old fast… but for one night? Sure! Monica has lasting appeal, and, sure, she’d be tough to live with at times, but if it’s good enough for Chandler, it’s good enough for me.

    • ooo, GOOD one. Grandfather, father and son, eh? Definitely kill Kin Jong-un cause that fat little twerp isn’t half the maniacal dictator his legacy should have left him. As far as I can tell he’s basically the Scott to Kim Jong-il’s Dr Evil. So that would probably leave Kim Jong-il the screw and Kim Il-sung the marry, cause I’ve seen pictures of the elder and he just seems JOLLY. Jong-il is the craziest one, I think, so he’d be something unique in the sack…not amazing I’m sure, just unique. What about you?

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